I am a huge fan of the TV series Monk. And particularly his interactions with Sharona crack me up. Monk is afraid of almost everything. Germs, needles, heights, crowds and elevators. But also mushrooms. Milk. Harmonicas. Pillows. And nudity. Sharona, his nurse, accommodates those fears every single day.
Then, in my all-time favourite episode, Mr. Monk Goes to the Circus (S2 E4), while visiting the circus to investigate an alleged murder, Sharona is confronted with her fear of elephants. She's terrified. Monk's advice? “SUCK IT UP!”
The hypocrisy is next level. But something else happens in that short interaction. A story about their relationship becomes visible.
Two people encounter fear. But their fears don't enter the relationship on equal terms. Monk's fears are real to him and the people around him accommodate them. Helping Monk manage his fears is part of Sharona's role. Sharona, meanwhile, is the capable one. The carer. She copes.
And suddenly “SUCK IT UP!” becomes even more interesting. It invokes a relational pattern: one person gets to need; the other gets to cope. So, when Sharona becomes afraid, she violates the established relational story. She's occupying the ‘wrong’ position.
The story is performed through the interaction. Sharona stepping outside her usual position makes the underlying story available to be noticed.
We tend to think of stories as things people tell. But stories can also live in relationships. In who gets to need, who gets to know. Who decides, who rescues, who apologises, who is expected to cope.
Often nobody has ever told that story out loud. We ‘tell’ the story by repeatedly taking up our parts. Until one day someone doesn't.
Through repetition, those parts can start to feel like simply who we are to one another. And those positions can become extraordinarily sticky in relationships: parent/child, manager/team member, consultant/client, teacher/student, et cetera.
Seen this way, we move beyond stories as things people tell toward stories as things people do and sometimes do to one another.
Go check out the "SUCK IT UP!" scene: Great writing, great acting.